I am being paranoid these days. I felt like I am being set aside by everyone, and I felt like I don’t have friends anymore; enough to make me felt bad and sad most of the time. I don’t need many friends to be around, just some real ones who can talk to from time to time or even just to chat with over the internet. I don’t understand; I am good person, who’s good to everyone, have a good heart and ready to listen if someone wants to share something. I felt like if I am the one who need someone to listen to me; nobody’s there to spare their time to listen and gets bored with me.
I have been thinking about this the whole time I was alone at home. I knew that my husband is always the one who listens to me, talk with me, laughed with me and act like crazy with me. I am glad he’s here.
Lately, I’ve been wondering that nobody is talking to me over the internet. I usually approached them first, but I don’t even get a response. Since then, I’ve been depressed and have this feeling that I am a bad person. Nobody likes me and such! I was telling to my husband every time when gets back from work; that nobody talks to me, and I don’t really know what was wrong. He said its fine, maybe they are just busy or not in the mood to talk; they will talk to me next time. Nothing is happening, nothing is worth of waiting!
I realized they are coming to talk to me, because they want advice most of the time. They want me to listen to them, but they don’t have guts to listen to mine. They came when they need something, because they knew that I am here to listen, and to give whatever they need, as long as I can.
Am I just a good listener? Am I just a good provider of advice? Am I just a friend to lean on? I don’t know!
All I know is that, I can’t tell them how I feel because I don’t want to upset them by all means. I don’t want them to feel that they are just the selfish person who cares just themselves and never more!
Sometimes, I just don’t want to be a good-hearted person, no more; I want to be a bitch friend!
Too bad I can’t be bad, because I am a person “I am” since I was born. I can’t be that bad, because I knew if I would be, they wouldn’t find a friend who will last for long with how they treated one like me.
I’d rather keep my mouth shut! Let it go, hoping sooner or later; they would change before I find a new friend who would appreciate me as a person.